2016-02-04 - 9:26 p.m.
there once was a day I was happy, I think I was seven but it never really seemed like a happy One would think they would remember but then again nothing ever does. It seems like we all have those days where happy seems far away. The basic human condition. Some days are better than others. It seems like she has conquered hers but as for mine, mine seems to far away to even see. so then we go about this giant ball chasing each-others tails only to see the wisp of a blur as it disappears out of reach. Left gasping for breath trying to calm your heart as you try to get the will to keep running. My well has run dry. there is no magic cure. So here we go again into that long dark whole waiting to hit bottom but not know whether it will come or not. Oh to only hit bottom.
I long for the days of new. I want those long drives, those Songs on repeat, I long for your wide eyes of never before. You deserved better than I was able to give you. I told you I was a broken tragic soul and you thought you could save me. The truth is I never knew how to love, I was looking to you to teach me but you denied yourself the chance to step up out of loss for your true love. That's ok, I'm not hurt by it. I am more hurt that I done you so wrong and i never seen with my own eyes how bad I was hurting you. Delusional yes. Very. very very delusional.
From a young age I thought love was sex... Making love, its right there... But its not. Love is much more, much much more. There are not very many things in this world I dont understand But emotion, especially mine, and love. They seem so illogical to me, so contrived. And yet you built your whole life on that very concept, but to me it's just a concept. I thought I had love once but it never seemed it was but for that moment. Physical attraction is not love. Lust is physical attraction. Love is built over time, tears, and heartache. Love at first sight is an excuse for lust. There is no love in lust. That quick high of the right now never for the tomorrow, very destructive. But there is something satisfying in in destruction, hope of new or rebirth. But alas what is to be reborn is usually worse than what was destroyed.
Humans have an innate instinct for self preservation in our environment. The will to survive. Yet most go about there interactions with other humans in a very destructive way. For that matter they are also destructive to there environment. so there we stand as destroyers, destroyers of men. One to the other and back again. We have no salvation from the destruction other than our own will. Will is harder to come by than most thing. They say where there is a will there is a way. But the way is dark lonely and cold. if you give them a light they will find their way. But on the path of will there is no light. Only vast expanses of dark tortures monsters striving to pull you from the path.