2002-02-24 - 12:23 a.m.
Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, this is a carefully orchestrated blackout.
Q: How many lighting technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, it's a lamp and stay the hell away from it!
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light?
A: One.... if he can find it.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One the actor holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves around the actor...
Q: How many straight actors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Both of them.
Q: How do you get an actor off of your front porch? A: Pay him for the pizza
Have you been spending too much time in the theatre? Here are some important warning signs: a.. You can't read from anything but a blue light b.. You feel naked without keys on a carabiner, a mag lite, and your leatherman hanging from your belt c.. People can identify you by the jingle of your keys as you walk down the hallway. d.. When you pull up to a traffic light and see the red light, your first thought is "standby..." e.. Your halloween costume consists of some mix of running blacks and gaffers tape f.. "Going out to dinner" denotes sitting in the eatery at McDonalds rather than using the drive-through g.. Before dinner you "preset" the table settings h.. After dinner you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen i.. "Practical" and "flat" are nouns. j.. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop. k.. 95% of your wardrobe is black. l.. You can't remember what daylight looks like. m.. Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday. n.. "Q" is not just a letter. o.. Someone asks what daylight looks like and you respond with gel numbers p.. Lord grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those actors I had to kill because they pissed me off.
"An actor without techies is a naked person standing in the dark trying to emote; A techie without actors is a person with marketable skills." "Umm, 'scuze me, your techies are showing..." "If we could read minds, we wouldn't need headsets." "Be kind to your techies, or they will turn out the lights and go home!"
And on the first day the lord said... ...Lx1, Go! and there was light! Show me a script that calls for no actors, dancers, musicians or artists; and, I will show you a techie's DREAM! The classic struggle in Theatre: "The Show must go on" vs; "This is stupid, I'm going home." Theatrical Logic In is down, down is front Out is up, up is back Off is out, on is in And of course- Left is right and right is left A drop shouldn't and a Block and fall does neither A prop doesn't and A cove has no water Tripping is OK A running crew rarely gets anywhere A purchase line buys you nothing A trap will not catch anything A gridiron has nothing to do with football Strike is work (In fact a lot of work) And a green room, thank god, usually isn't Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms, Break a leg. But not really.
How to abuse your tech power: Insist that actors pay a fee each time they try to go onstage. Run up to a random actor, yelling incoherantly. Babble something about the cue that he/she just missed. Run away. Move the spike marks of the most important piece of scenery in the show. When the *crap* hits the fan, blame a fellow techie.
TECHIE [n]: a person who works in a theatre doing every task possible and impossible with out sleep or respect so that the actors and directors may take all the credit. A techie designs and builds the set, "borrows", creates and magicly produces props, flawlessly runs sound and lights and makes costumes. A techie is a masochist, clad in black, who rarely sees the light of day and when it does show, the techie asks God to turn down the Sun Special. A techie may be male, female or a bunny with 'Sharp pointy teeth'. ...and remember, if you're lost, just follow the glow tape...